Giving My Life to Jesus

The Grocery Store

After seeing the portrait byAkiane and watching the story of Preeti Krishnan, I knew I needed to give my life to Jesus, so that night or the night after, I made a plan to leave the apartment and give my life to Jesus. I went grocery shopping late at night at the Whole Foods down the street before it closed, and when I came home my boyfriend was unusually angry. I know it sounds strange, but when I saw the anger inside of him, I felt it had something to do with my encounter or relationship with God. I had never seen this look of anger on his face before that I was afraid for my life and my safety. I became genuinely worried my boyfriend might hurt me physically, so I told him I was going out for the night, took the car and drove to a grocery store parking lot.

Giving My Life to Jesus

On the way to the grocery store, I called out to Jesus, looking up at the night sky and crying, “Jesus, I give my life and my heart to you! I don’t want anything to do with the world if it doesn’t have you in it! I just want to give my life to you and belong to you!” I didn’t know if He heard me. There was no vision happening, no special experience, no feeling in my heart. I was worried and genuinely scared that Jesus didn’t accept my prayer. As I drove into the grocery store parking lot 15 minutes away, I looked up toward Heaven and imagined Jesus sitting up on a white throne with His angels and said, “Do you hear me up there?!” I yelled and I cried with my head down, not knowing what to do. If He heard me, and He loved me, why didn’t He respond? Didn’t He want me to give my heart to Him? Why was he keeping silent and giving me the silent treatment if I just gave my heart to Him? I should’ve felt Jesus come into my heart. This began to feel like all those years ago when I was a little girl in the church pews trying to give my heart and life to Jesus because I knew He died for my sins and having nothing happen. I thought if nothing happened, Jesus must not have liked me very much, and I couldn’t feel like that all over again, not with what just happened, not with the vision I just had.

Calling Mom

Feeling alone and unsure of what to do, I called my mom. It was around 1am at night, but I knew she had to be awake because of the odd hours she worked. Sure enough, when I called, she was awake! I told her the story how I just met God and how He gave me a vision, how he showed me my heart, and I was trying to give my life to Jesus, but nothing was happening! I cried and sobbed on the phone and I heard her crying and sobbing as well. She had been going to church for the last several years and had everyone she knew there praying for my salvation. After crying and sobbing a bunch on the phone, she gave me some profound wisdom for why something wasn’t happening. She said, “Okay, Kathryn, I want you to trust.”

“Trust?” I responded. I didn’t know what that meant. What did it mean to trust? I had been sexually abused as a little girl and completely traumatized by religion and the church when I was growing up. I had no earthly clue what it meant to trust someone or something, let alone God who wasn’t answering my heartfelt prayer. Then, she said, “Okay, I want you to trust that even though you don’t feel anything, that even though you aren’t seeing anything, that God hears you.” “Okay,” I said, as I hung up the phone. I put my hand over my heart trying to believe that God heard me without evidence and drove off to another grocery store parking lot not knowing what else to do.

The Tree

I drove into the parking lot of the HEB that was down the street from our place. It was around 3am now, and I found a quiet spot under a tree. I didn’t feel safe to go home that night, so I laid in the car, looking up at this tree quietly flowing in the wind. The tree reminded me of the tree of life I saw in my vision, and I was reminded how God was in the tree and God was within everything. I knew, in that moment, I could always look at the trees and be reminded of God with me. When I looked at the tree, I trusted God within my heart.

The Ballerina of Light

I felt so much peace coming out of my heart that I had a vision of a ballerina of golden light coming out of my heart and dancing towards the sky. The ballerina was dancing from within a glowing double-helix of light. Growing up, I had always wanted to be a ballerina, but I felt when I was taking lessons at the age of 14, it was too late for me. I was not as well-trained as the other younger and didn’t have enough strength or coordination, so I gave up on my dream to become a ballerina, thinking it had been too late. When the ballerina came out of my heart, I knew God saw my dream. He was who I was in my heart, I knew God was showing me this is who I was on the inside. I felt absolutely no fear. I felt so much peace and love inside of my heart that there was no fear whatsoever. I never felt so safe or loved in my life that I fell asleep in my car and woke up the next morning at 6am.